Confessions Of An Interventionist Hitman


Who Doesn’t Want To Be Helped? 

Yeah, That’s Fun-To-Funky (We Know Major Tom’s A Junkie).

“Intervention Party’s Are Slightly Less Palatable Than The Let’s-Get-Over-It-Already Nonsense Of A ‘Gender Reveal Ordeal’ Because Can’t We Just Save One Damn Surprise In Life?”

Save The eVite, Jeff & Marcia.  I’m Not Coming.  In Fact, I Plan To Leave The Planet To Self-Lobotomize On Whatever Saturday In June You’re Having It.  Please Call Me In Five Years When Little Apple Blossom Gaga-Sunshine Decides To Identify As a Lamp Shade Or Tree Bark Or Your Uncle Ernie.  I’ll Hook Up Eh-Bee-Gee-Ess With My Latest Self-Love Venture Sure To Cure Her Kindergarten-Engineered Curiosities.



Y’Know, I’d Rather Be Doing My Weekend Side Hustle Of Exorcism Gigs Than Hosting Interventions …

“With The Market Dropping Hard During The Pandemic I’m Diversifying My Entrepreneurial Portfolio And Expanding Into Battling Inner Demons … Because It’s A Fantastic Growth Opportunity Like Denial, Delusion And Deflection.”

Also, Exorcisms Are Way More Fun.  Pay Is Better.  And You Wouldn’t Believe The Crazy Shit That Goes On Behind Close Doors.  Its Nothing Like In The Movies …

… Except For The Cool Part About Levitating.  Okay, There’s Some Really Bad Language … Me Losing My Shit.  And The Smell, Which Explains The Obvious Inclusion Of Camomile Tea Served At A Time-Out Before We All Say And Do Something We’re Gonna Regret Later.



Addressing The Habitual Passive-Aggressive, Entitled Thankless Wank’s Of Burden We’re Obligated To Call Friends …

Precisely Because Said Friends Don’t Have Any Real One’s Of Their Own.  We Inherit Their Mess Both Vicariously And Tangibly.  Sort Of A New Take On Figuratively And Literally Because I’m Getting Bored Of Clichés Despite My Penchant For Being One.  Ouch, Mick.

What’ve We Got To Show For It?  A Shared History – A Couple Of Meh-velous Things In Common – And Mostly, Just Because Empathy Has You Snared By The Ankles Hanging Upside Down From A Scrawny-Ass Branch, Feeling Like You Should Do Something About Marcia Whenever She Screams Her Safe Words:

“You Don’t Know Me …”



Right There In The Hoo-Ha …

Of All The Anatomical Places To Getcha … Skewered ‘Nads Are The First Casualties In The Battle To Mindfully Help Other Grown Adults To Change Their Own Diapers.

“Served With A Smidgen Of ‘This Better Hurt You Not Me’.”  

… How I Do It When Getting My Help On Means Dragging Home A Pudgy 187 Lb. Stray Named Jeff.



I Don’t Invest In Misplaced Empathy … The Returns Tend To Be Laced With Deep Regrets. 

Or, Facilitating Complainers.  Whining With Woeful Cheese Heads.  Dicking Around With Deborah Downers And Dougie Doolittles. 

“Negative Nincompoops Are Consumptive Of Good Energy.  I’d Rather Self-Colonoscopize The Under Carriage Than Deal With Being Force Fed Fecal Canapés At A Pity Party.”

Chasing Bad Vibes In Circles – Pelotoning With Toxic Vampires – Guarantees Shitty Outcomes For Any Scenario.



Of Why Bother?

I Raised My-Adolescent-Self To Believe

Friendship Is Formed And Sustained On A Few Strict Covenants:

“Trust Being The Alpha Virtue.  Partnered With Respect.  Mutual Benefit.  And, All The Brotherly Love That Travels Both Ways On A Two-Way Street.  Like This Thing We’ve Got Going … It’s About Us … You & Me, Darling … Kindred Spirits … Together … Reciprocated, Capisce?”  


Ashes To Ashes Songwriters: David Bowie
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Songtrust Ave, Royalty Network

Image by Congerdesign from Pixabay

29 thoughts on “Confessions Of An Interventionist Hitman

  1. Silk Cords

    Trying to help somebody who doesn’t want to be helped is the textbook example of “No good deed goes unpunished”. …Not that I’m cynical or anything after being burned here multiple times myself.

    And the irony is, the more they need the help, the harder they’ll fight you and the more they’ll spit in your eye.


  2. Brandi S.

    I think it’s my turn to say “Hmmm”, Michael. Except my “Hmmm” is me reflecting and nodding my head in agreement. “Chasing bad vibes in circles” …. I guess I’m just stuck on this line, because some connections feel like that. Like nothing good is ever going to come out of a situation like this because there’s no desire in the individual to want to change and do something positive for themselves. Some people love complaining about their problems instead of doing something about them. And if you try to help them, they attack you like it’s a bad thing to do it. Then if you don’t help them, they get mad when you don’t join them in the pity party. It’s a no-win situation and it just drags everyone around them down. This is just what I think of when I read your post. I’ve learned over the years that if people truly want help, they will ask and actually do something about it. Until then, I just mind my own business and focus on my life. No time for drama. Great post, Michael. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Michael A. Kuch

      “Hmmm” points bang on, Brandi.

      This post was written – in part – about a recent account of a friend and I trying to help another mutual friend, which morphed from “genuine best intentions” to “why bother?” to “deep regrets” … for many of the reasons you’ve cited.

      The significant irony – and tragedy – of this matter was the person was once “open” to reason and sought and respected guidance.

      Ten years ago (this month), I lost one of my best friends to chronic alcoholism.

      We’d only seen each other once or twice a year due to distance, and for some time, it was a couple years in which we’d missed one another.

      By the time a core group of his closest friends had called it time to intervene, his illness had surged to the darkest depths of no return.

      Fate doesn’t bother me. I don’t care to pick a fight with the great inevitable destiny.

      Though in the interim of living life with a certain value system and honoring friendships means helping regardless the obstacles and struggles. It does pain me to think (regrettably) we should not have procrastinated and been more purposeful in our intention long before the phone call came.

      Your comments are always poignant and revealing of a true heart. Thanks, Brandi.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Brandi S.

      I am so sorry to read about your current situation with your friend and even more sorry to read about the loss of one of your best friends, Michael. Especially to alcohol addiction. It’s painful to watch the ones you love get lost in that kind of darkness. My uncle has a problem with drinking and, at one time, he did stop, but something triggered him and he went right back into the downward spiral. We’ve tried to get him to stop, help him, but he seems to be stuck in his ways. It’s like the alcohol has become a medicine to him. So, that feeling of helplessness and pain is understandable. In the end, I have to remind myself that we can lead the horse to water, but we cannot make them drink it. I do hope that all works out for the friend that you tried to help recently. Maybe they will come around and be more open and receptive to the advice and help you tried to give someday soon.

      You are always very welcome, Michael. I hope you are doing well today. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

    • Michael A. Kuch

      Brandi, thank you for your thoughtful and caring response. Alcoholism seemingly affects many extended families, as it does with several uncles within mine. I don’t understand addiction because I’ve never had to deal with it beyond an arm’s reach yet have seen enough to know it destroys more than the afflicted.

      Blessings for a safe and happy Memorable Day, Brandi 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sovely Matters

    Sounds familar. Reading your words made me smile somehow. I guess it’s when you try to take a deep breath and make sure that you won’t change yourself, because of experiences like that. People are different and some… some are very different! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Alessa Moon

    Chasing Bad Vibes In Circles – Pelotoning With Toxic Vampires – Guarantees Shitty Outcomes For Any Scenario.

    That line?! Absolutely brilliant! I may have it tattooed on my arm. (No, I’m not kidding.)

    I approach your posts with the enthusiastic curiosity of Ralphie and his Little Orphan Annie decoder do-hickey. I just *know* that if I can break the master-code, further insight and creativity awaits… but until that time, I choose to bathe in the poetry of it all. Well done, my friend! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Michael A. Kuch

      Thank you, my friend. So generous with praise, I am humbled. 🙏

      Yes, tattooing cryptic, acidic phrases is very 2020. I’m into it. So is Snap Dragon X. 😊

      Here’s an Insiders Spoiler on How To Navigate through my Nonsense:

      Suspend your gift of intellect, reason and sensibility … believe in nothingness and everythingness simultaneously. Something like that.


      Liked by 1 person

  5. SnapDragon X.

    Now it’s my turn to get the sleeve tattoo: “Negative Nincompoops Are Consumptive Of Good Energy. I’d Rather Self-Colonoscopize The Under Carriage Than Deal With Being Force Fed Fecal Canapés At A Pity Party.”

    Liked by 2 people

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