My Valentine To That Guy


Dear That Guy,

It’s Been Awhile.  I Know.  Blame It On Me … You Always Do.  It Ain’t Easy Being You.  Oh, I Couldn’t Imagine How Rough It’s Been Lately, Brother.  I Mean With Your Special Thing, Situation And All.  By The Way, What Is Your Thing Again?

Anyway, I’ll Keep This Short And Bitter Sweet.  Your Attention Span Being What It Is, And With All The Shit And Whatnot Going Around Inside Your Cranium, You’ve Got It Especially Tough.  You’re One Tough Hombre.  You’ll Pull Through This Even If You Gotta Pull Everyone Down Into The Ditch With You …  Stay Mean, Stay Hard, Bra.

Just Wanted You To Know That I Care.  More Than These Few Words Can Explain …  You Mean So Much To Me.  This Isn’t Easy.

If I’m Being Honest, This Is Going To Hurt Me More Than You.  But, It’s Also Going To Hurt You.  Know What I’m Saying?

I’m Breaking A Promise.  To Myself.  Promised I Wouldn’t Lose My Shit On Little-Minded Shits. 

“But, What’s A Day Without A Dandy Dump Or A Wicked Wizz.  And, You … Well, You’re My Personal Latrine.  My Very Own Fire Hydrant.  This Is Me, Lifting A Leg To Salute You … Let Me Know If You Like The View.”    

I’ve Lost The Loving Feeling, Again.  The Warm And Fuzzy Joy I Once Had For You And Your Kind Has Escaped Me.  If You See My Emotions In Oblivion, Please Send My Regards.

You Should Also Know, The Last Time I Saw You I Got This Little Itch.  It Turned Out To Be Nothing But A Nasty Rash In The Under Carriage. 

“My Doctor Prescribed A Topical Ointment, Which Is Applied Several Times Daily By Squirting A Penny-Sized Drop Onto The Tip Of My Middle Finger And Inserting The Long Digit Purposefully Into My Anal Cavity.  I Think Of You – Only You – When I Do It.  I’ve Watched The DIY Video A Couple Times, So I’m Pretty Much An Expert By Now.  It’s In Spanish With English Subtitles.  The Gypsy Kings Are Playing Bomboléo, So That Helps.  Si?”    

Wait, That’s Not All, Bello.  There Is Some Good News.  Again, More For Me Than You.

I’m Finally Getting My Super Power Back: An Ability To Reason With The Clueless, The Fuckless, The Taylor-Swift-Kick-To-The-Nutless …   

I Promise I’ll Use It For Good This Time.  Not Like Before.  When I Wasted My Time – Invested Every Fuck I’d Saved – Blew It On Schmucks Like You. 

Chunky MacCheese-Ass, Filling His Shopping Cart With 8 Bags Of Pasta When The Store Signs – Posted Every 3 Feet – Clearly States,

“Sharing Is Caring, Bitches: Please Limit Your Purchase To 2 Items.  This Includes You, Too, Chunky MacCheese-Ass!”      

And, That Was You, That Guy … Wasn’t It.  Busted.  Boom.  No You Ditten, When Yes, You Dit. 

And, Again, There You Were … In Front Of Me At The Check-Out Register.  Fate, I Guess.  What Now? Dumping On The Friendly, Sweety Pie, Part-Time Cashier … Loosening Your Bowels Publicly … Shitting On Her For Doing Her Job?  Sport-Hating Is A Thing, Right?

So, Here’s A Clue:

“She’s ‘Front-Lining’ One Of The Most Under Appreciated Gigs In The Pandemic, Poncho.  Minimum Wage, Minimum Protection.  Maximum Exposure To Assholes.  Ringing You Through With A Smile.  Bagging Your Shit.  A 32 Lb Bag Of Cheese Puffs.”  

How Many People Did She Serve That Day?  More Than You Did, Would Be The Only Vital Stat You Should Know.  Hundreds, At Least.  All More Congenial Than You, I’m Sure.  All Had Fuck’s Left-In-Them-To-Give.  All, I Suppose, Weren’t Ugly, Mean, Dickless Predators. 

“Bullying Is Really Just A Polite Way Of Saying Cowardice …”  

At Least Your Poor Wife Had Sense To Distance Herself From The Embarrassment And Disgrace … As You Sanitized Your Dirty Hands When You Really Should’ve Been Spritzing Your Filthy Fucking Mouth. 

If My Reach Was 6 Feet, I Would’ve Slapped Some On You, Open Hand … To The Back Of Your Bulbous Melon … To Your Non-Resting Prick Face. 

I Can Help.  But, You’ve Gotta Let Me In, Bubba.  I’m Here For You.  I’ll Be Your Gumby, If You’ll Be My Pokey.    

You Stop Doing You.  It Isn’t Working.  Be Better.  Just A Little Next Time.  Yeah, You Owe That Much.  Give Something More Than Nothing Back, Even If Thanks Is As Foreign To Your Selfish Constitution As Being Nice. 

“Also, Try Not Being An Self-Obsessed Asshole.  I’ve Tried It.  Small Miracles Happen.  Not Being An Asshole Isn’t One, But It Never Hurts.”

So, Here’s The Thing: You Ain’t Surviving What Comes Out On The Other Side Of This Mess.  Where Dick’s And Dink’s And Doofuses And Douche’s Lose.    

“Mean, Sad, Pathetic Fucker’s Like You Are Purpose Built To Finish Last …” 

And, If You Really Want To Make The Day A Bit Brighter, Practice A Little “Shush, Now, Honey Child” And Get Your Monk On. 

If Whatever You Have To Say Doesn’t Improve On Silence … Well, There’s Your Answer, Sparky.

“Otherwise, Shut Your Mouth When You Speak …” 

Love & Blessings, Darlings



Photo by Jessica Gaudioso from Pexels

11 thoughts on “My Valentine To That Guy

    • Michael A. Kuch

      Thanks, Lennon. It’s the second in my “Special Valentine” series. The first instalment was about my sordid affair with the “People’s Republic of Walmart.” I’ll send the link.


  1. Writer of words


    I’m scared to go to the store. I’m out of produce. I don’t know if I can hold myself back if I come across an asshole.

    Working it out of your system, with words, like you did, even for a sliver of temporary relief, I don’t know how…

    Maybe I’ll learn to like the taste of grass. And weeds in the backyard. None of my seeds are sprouting…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Michael A. Kuch

      Don’t be frightened to shop. Fear isn’t helping. Be mindful and protective. Move with purpose and in/out quickly.

      Sounds shitty to say this, but try to avoid anything that guarantees a line up like most discount resellers: Costco, Walmart, No Frills. Those places are jammed.

      What else? Oh, shop off hours. Anything 24 hour.

      Most importantly, stay away from assholes.


    • Writer of words

      We have mom and pop shops walking distance…mostly produce shops, bakeries. Seems more prudent to go there. On foot.

      No plans to go to retailers…maybe Farm Boy, I read they’re relatively well stocked but not busy.

      I know fear isn’t helping, but I’m still a little anxious…

      Thanks Michael.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Michael A. Kuch

      I’m about to scooch over to Fortino’s. Dealing with the local Mildlife in Vaughan is always eventful.

      I talk to myself, which helps with social distancing. Once I started arguing with myself, it pretty much clears the aisles.

      You can try that.


    • Writer of words

      I don’t know if Vaughan is different from Oakville but my mom had a good experience at her Fortino’s.

      I talk to myself all the time. Keeps most people away consistently even during non-lockdown times. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.