The Festivus Pole


At The Office … Suite One-Oh-Three … Where The Kool Kids Hang Out.

It’s Hip.  Glorious.  Resplendent In Its Anti-Meh’ness.

A Study In Pseudo-Minimalism.  Resourcefulness.  And, Take That, Scissor Kick To The Cojones, For The Mad Haters Of All Holidays.

… With A Caveat.



Pita – Not Her Real Name But Damn Close Enough I May Be Getting A Call From Her Lawyer – Did The Creative Stuff.  

Plus, She’d Baked These Kick-Ass, Sublimely Delicious Cookies – Artisanally Awesome! – Sprinkled With Powdery Dark Crack She Claims Was Ground Coffee Beans Half-Dipped in White Chocolate.  Right.

“I Know Good Baked Pharmaceuticals When I Taste Them.”

Kuch – Me – Helped, Mostly By Staying Out Of The Way.  And, Writing This Piece.



I Found The Pole Because I’m Good At Finding Poles …  Don’t Ask.

A 4″ Diameter Sturdy Cardboard Tube About 48″ Tall … Formerly Used To Hold Bubble Wrap – Discovered Behind The Mini Fridge Where Everything Goes When It Has Nowhere Else To Go.  Like Arrh Jay.  Whaaaat? 

Pita Just Happened To Have Some Pretty Wrapping Paper Hanging Around.  Her Desk Is The Place To Browse If You Don’t Have The Time To Shop The Local Dollarama.  Or, Need To Bum Office Supplies.

“I Steal All Kinds Of Sh!t From There Every Day.  She Doesn’t Know …”



I’d Stripped The Miniature Plasticky Christmas Tree (Scooped From Last Year’s Holiday Party) Of Its White Lights … 

So The Festivus Pole Would Find Illumination,

And Bring Life For All To Enjoy.

Isn’t That Highly Hypo-Christian Of Me?



With A Smiley Face Inflatable Balloon Thingy …  Which Has Lost Its Lift And Will To Elevate.

You Know, The Kind Your Partner Sends You When He Has Effed Up?  Or, It Was Meant To Go To The Other Her?  That Kind.

I Confiscated The Deflated Yellow Pillow From Clappy’s – Not Her Real Name … Time To Lawyer Up, Kuch – Desk, Who Was Conveniently Absent.

… Voila, Boom.



Okay, I Get Parody … Hell, I’m Living A Parody … 

That A Festivus Pole Is Typically, An Unadorned – Tinsel Is Distracting – Simple Aluminum Pole.

But, Hey, If I Wanted Another Stark Reminder Of The Cold Hollowed Spirit Of Lost Souls

I’d Park My Ass At Diamonds nursing $17 Lagers And Watch The Stiletto Models Strut Around The Stripper Pole.



Yeah, No …  

“The Sullen Incubation Of Les Misérables Mumbled Something Marginally ‘Tarded.”

Also, We Lost In The Annual Company Cookie Bake-Off Competition, So We Needed A Little Picker-Upper To Restore Morale To Its Lofty Self-Righteous Perch.

… Defending Department Champs Dethroned By … Are You Sh!ttin’ Me … I’m Too Upset To Talk About It.



For The Rest Of Us …

All Of Us, Really.

“So We Can Chill And Lighten All The Way Up.”

… Gather ‘Round, Enjoy Goodwill, Appreciate One Another.


Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay

4 thoughts on “The Festivus Pole

  1. alaskamanspeaks

    I really enjoy your random thinking, like free range cattle, free to eat what they like & Enjoy…My computer is on time delay, some-one is fucking with me, the last guy who spammed me is dead now; strangled to death on his power cord…..Do not Fuck with me brother, I will find YOU…..See, you are sitting there all alone with nothing better to do, find something worthwhile to do, like make this world a better place to Live in for our Children, Merry Christ Mass! ________________________________


Comments are closed.