IF YOU’RE OUT SWIPING PLASTIC OR LAUNDERING CASH
On Black Friday – or – Taupe Tuesday (Next Week) …
And, You Feel Like Dropping-More-Than-A-Lump-Of-Coal In My Stocking This Year
“Then Fret No More, My Darlings.”
… ‘Cause These Fab 5 Gift Ideas Will Take The Stress Out Of Holiday Shopping Madness.
1) THE D-I-Y FACE TAT KIT
Just like the really neat kind Uncle Louie got back in the day
“When He Was Doing A Hard Dime in C-Block.”
Includes: Black India Ink (2 fl. oz.), Sharpened Toothbrush Handle (now with Convenient Retractable Shiv Blade), and Wet-Naps from KFC.
About $15. Available at Finer Penal Colonies Everywhere.
2) MUSCLE RELAXANT CREAM
“For The Resting B!tch Or Pr!ck Face Special Someone In Your Life.”
Ease the pained expressions of DDDSD – Deflective Dismissive Disgruntled Sphincter Disorder. And damn it, loosen those Bowel-knotting grimaces with the latest anti-inflammatory topical agent.
Available in: Jojoba Smack. Hibiscus Slap. Lighten The F@ck Up. Um, Better Now?
By No-You-Ditten Cosmetics LLC. About $29 Wherever Stool Softeners Are Sold.
3) MEAT-BASED VEGGIE BITS & BITES
Break with fussy Holiday Dinner Traditions for an innovative twist on Plant-based Meat Treats & Appys.
“Crave Your Greens, But Can’t Give Up Your Bovine & Swine Appetite?”
Try Sirloin Kale. Pork Rind Broccoli. Also, Gluten Spread (for dipping). And, Keto-Free Starchy Carb Nuggets.
From $9 At Chucky’s Food Emporium.
4) SNOW GLOBE BOOZE FLASK
“Get Your Day Drunk On!”
A Must Have For Office Holiday Parties. Or, a quick double swig in the bathroom stall. The Elevator. HR-approved.
With an easy-to-use and re-fillable Snow Globe Decanter … Every Clear Booze will do. Try my Holiday Favorite: White Lightening ‘Shine. Oh, the Flaky White Stuff floating around inside? 100% edible. Made from Crystalized Listerine Chips. Feel Minty Fresh & Confident All Day.
Comes with an Uber Gift Card. Drink responsibly. See Doug in Accounting. $99 At The Company Store.
5) TRAMP STAMP HOME REMOVAL KIT
“When Not Every Memory From 1996 Needs A Permanent Reminder Etched Over Your Tail.”
Erasing the Shame from a lost weekend in Cabos? An unforgettable week in Ibiza? Woke up strange at Burning Man? Or, My Very Own Fun Fact Confession: a 4-day Mescal Bender in Tijuana Last Month?
Get Real Results from next gen Home Salabrasion techniques. Bro Science-approved.
$199 from The House Of Regrets & Walk Of Shame Products Ltd.
JUST A HAPPY REMINDER TO LOVE YOURSELF
And, Be Marvelous To Others … In The Mayhem Of This Festive Season.
Lighten It All The Way Up.
If You Can’t Laugh In The Mirror
… Take A Selfie.
Photo by Jill Wellington from Pexels
🙏
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😂😂😂😂🙌
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“Crave Your Greens, But Can’t Give Up Your Bovine & Swine Appetite?” this is too funny… your post are making my laugh lines accentuate. Botox in my future with continued reading.
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Thanks. Happy you’ve found some laughs here. Laugh Lines are beautiful 🙂
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😎😢
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it’s about time someone came-out with some meat-based veggies 🙂
I hope all your wishes come true…
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Really just one wish😊
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LoL 🤣 Michael, this post is way funny. Thank you for the gentle reminder re: “self”. And, Sirloin Kale… that’s a keeper menu item, for real🤣!
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Thanks, Suzette. Had fun writing it. 😊
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Can you grab an extra 1 of each for me when you get your order shipped? I’m working on reducing my carbon footprint (to offset the Hummer I gifted Santa last year). I’ll swing by on my Unicycle, just as soon as the Hobbit’s can pull it out of storage.
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😂😂😂thanks for the laugh this morning!
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😊🙏
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How…. But where do you get this stuff…. I….. can’t even…😂😂😂
You made me spit coffee. 😲😀
Lol 😉
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Just stuff I’ve always wanted 😳. Careful with hot ☕️
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