Cool Crap I Really Want For Christmas

IF YOU’RE OUT SWIPING PLASTIC OR LAUNDERING CASH

On Black Friday – or – Taupe Tuesday (Next Week) … 

And, You Feel Like Dropping-More-Than-A-Lump-Of-Coal In My Stocking This Year

“Then Fret No More, My Darlings.”

… ‘Cause These Fab 5 Gift Ideas Will Take The Stress Out Of Holiday Shopping Madness.

 

1) THE D-I-Y FACE TAT KIT

Just like the really neat kind Uncle Louie got back in the day

“When He Was Doing A Hard Dime in C-Block.” 

Includes: Black India Ink (2 fl. oz.), Sharpened Toothbrush Handle (now with Convenient Retractable Shiv Blade), and Wet-Naps from KFC. 

About $15.  Available at Finer Penal Colonies Everywhere.

 

2) MUSCLE RELAXANT CREAM

“For The Resting B!tch Or Pr!ck Face Special Someone In Your Life.”

Ease the pained expressions of DDDSD – Deflective Dismissive Disgruntled Sphincter Disorder.  And damn it, loosen those Bowel-knotting grimaces with the latest anti-inflammatory topical agent.

Available in:  Jojoba Smack.  Hibiscus Slap.  Lighten The F@ck Up.  Um, Better Now?

By No-You-Ditten Cosmetics LLC.  About $29 Wherever Stool Softeners Are Sold.

 

3) MEAT-BASED VEGGIE BITS & BITES

Break with fussy Holiday Dinner Traditions for an innovative twist on Plant-based Meat Treats & Appys.

“Crave Your Greens, But Can’t Give Up Your Bovine & Swine Appetite?” 

Try Sirloin Kale.  Pork Rind Broccoli.  Also, Gluten Spread (for dipping).  And, Keto-Free Starchy Carb Nuggets.

From $9 At Chucky’s Food Emporium.

 

4) SNOW GLOBE BOOZE FLASK

“Get Your Day Drunk On!”

A Must Have For Office Holiday Parties.  Or, a quick double swig in the bathroom stall.  The Elevator.  HR-approved.

With an easy-to-use and re-fillable Snow Globe Decanter … Every Clear Booze will do.  Try my Holiday Favorite: White Lightening ‘Shine.  Oh, the Flaky White Stuff floating around inside?  100% edible.  Made from Crystalized Listerine Chips.  Feel Minty Fresh & Confident All Day.

Comes with an Uber Gift Card.  Drink responsibly.  See Doug in Accounting.  $99 At The Company Store.

 

5) TRAMP STAMP HOME REMOVAL KIT

“When Not Every Memory From 1996 Needs A Permanent Reminder Etched Over Your Tail.”

Erasing the Shame from a lost weekend in Cabos?  An unforgettable week in Ibiza?  Woke up strange at Burning Man?  Or, My Very Own Fun Fact Confession: a 4-day Mescal Bender in Tijuana Last Month? 

Get Real Results from next gen Home Salabrasion techniques.  Bro Science-approved.

$199 from The House Of Regrets & Walk Of Shame Products Ltd. 

 

JUST A HAPPY REMINDER TO LOVE YOURSELF

And, Be Marvelous To Others … In The Mayhem Of This Festive Season.

Lighten It All The Way Up.

If You Can’t Laugh In The Mirror

… Take A Selfie.

 

Photo by Jill Wellington from Pexels